Tuesday, October 25th, 2005
11:38p - ministry and other thoughts

I'm beginning to notice a trend with my employment over the past few years. It seems that whenever I start to work for a company not long afterward it is bought out by another company. And so history is once again repeating itself and my current employer was just bought out. This is the third company in a row this has happened with.What this means for my current job I have no clue. Needless to say rumours are running rampant. I am thinking of starting a rumour that the next person caught spreading a rumour will be fired .....

When I first heard about the buy-out I have to admit my stomach had butterflies and I had to remind myself to breathe. As much as I know this job is not for me in the long run, I do have a baby coming I have to support -- and I am the only financial contributor to our lives right now. Then I took a deep breath and reminded myself that God knows my financial needs and since He's taken care of me so far why would He stop now? This buy-out may actually be the spring board I need to get me to where I am supposed to be.

I've known for a long time that I should be in the ministry somehow and that I would never be truly happy if I wasn't. I also knew that if I settled for anything less I would be selling myself out. Sometimes I have felt that I have disqualified myself for the ministry because I am an unwed mother. Other times I think my experiences may actually make me better equipped for it.

This past Sunday the regular worship leader was away on vacation and I was asked to help sing backup for the worship team. I very reluctantly agreed to do so (basically my pastor's wife would not take no for an answer). It has been a long time since I've sung in front of anyone let alone in a church setting. The voice is a muscle and like any muscle with disuse it can atrophy. That combined with being up front of the church with my swollen belly made me feel very self-conscious, like I had no business being there. It took me several minutes to calm my breathing and a lot of prayer to be able to stand up there. When we started to sing I just closed my eyes and sang and hoped for the best. After a few minutes I started to relax, and a bit later actually found myself enjoying it. I'd been praying God would sing through me. I am sure He has much better voices to flow through but I enjoyed it.

Singing with the worship team and the sermon that was preached last Sunday has just reinforced in me even more my desire to follow God and in a ministerial capacity. Years ago I took a seminar on spiritual giftings, and from that came away from it knowing God has blessed me with many spiritual gifts. The top giftings seemed to be pastor/shepherding, discernment of spirits, word of knowledge, teaching, mercy and hospitality. I want to use these gifts and be what God intends me to be, and not just settle. For too long I have been content to just drift by. I am glad though that I didn't score on the gift of singleness. To be honest if I had that gift I'd want the gift of martyrdom too -- and have it done with quickly.

Martyrdom reminds me of a young man I knew in university. He was a new christian and his enthusiasm knew no bounds. He kept saying he wanted to be a martyr and asked me if I wanted to be one too. Now it's not that I don't want what God would have for me but if I had to be a martyr I'd prefer if it were to happen while I was asleep. This guy would come out with the cheesiest lines such as asking someone "Is this chair saved?" Then whether the person answered yes or no his next question would be "Are you?". I told him if he kept approaching people like that he'd achieve his desire of being martyred pretty quickly.

Actually he had a pretty good sense of humour. I can still remember one of the things he said years ago. All of the group I hung around with at that time were very involved with our campus chapter of Campus Crusade for Christ. Part of Campus Crusade's tools for reaching people for Christ was a little booklet called The Four Spiritual Laws. The first law is that "God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life."

At that time this young man was dating a friend of mine and it was her birthday. In my friend's honour her room-mate had a couple of us over to share dinner with them. Her recipe book was in metric but her stove was not. She was cooking a turkey and in order to know how long to cook the bird she needed to know what the pounds were when converted to kilos. She asked Richard if he would "convert" the bird. He picked it up and lifted it to face level then said to the bird "God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life ....." It was not quite what Patty had in mind when she asked but I thought it was hilarious.

For some reason my past has been coming to mind a lot over this past week or so -- memories of times both good and bad. Maybe this is because for once in my life I am in a transition time and am actually aware that it is such a time. Maybe it is because I need to come to peace with some things from my past so that I can finally move on and be whole as a woman and as a mother. I don't want any undealt with baggage to adversely effect my daughter. Neither would I want these things to adversely effect any ministry I would become involved in.

Too many times I have managed to submarine myself by not waiting on God, or by trying to do things myself, or just by out and out disobedience. I am tired of living that way and I don't want to model that kind of life for my daughter.

Sometimes I find myself wondering what kind of mother I will be and it makes me nervous. Sometimes I find myself having these "Gilmore Girls" type fantasies of what my relationship will be with SweetPea. I am aware that these are fantasies, however, it is nice to dream that we would be that close. I am aware that I want to be more "together" for my daughter than I am at the moment. There is so much for me to learn. On the upside I still have awhile yet before I have to worry about scarring her psyche if I somehow toilet train her wrong. Maybe instead of an educational fund I should set up a "therapy fund" for her. ;)

Under His mercy and grace,