Thursday, October 13th, 2005

The leaves have quickly turned colour and a lot of the trees are becoming bare. When I step out at night on my way to work that familiar autumn scent is in the air -- part fresh crisp air and part rotting leaves. For some reason it is a scent I have always enjoyed. Similarly I like the smell of swimming pools and ice rinks. Maybe because they bring pleasant memories to mind. I don't think it will matter how long I have been out of school but autumn, in particular September, will always feel like the new year to me. When I lived in Ontario autumn was a welcome break from the heat and humidity of summer but it was always a bitter sweet time. As much as I enjoyed the break from the heat I was always sad to see summer end.

There are times when I enjoy winter but for the most part I do not. I do not like always having to check for ice under the snow, or trudging through snow, or bundling up against the cold. I do like how beautiful things look after a snow fall and how my parent's back yard would look like something from an etching by Currier and Ives. At times it was like living in a Christmas card it was so beautiful. I also enjoyed the way the snow would sparkle in the sun like a diamond. Winter also meant the start of figure skating lessons again when I was a child and I love ice skating (I guess that's why I like the smell of an ice rink).

However, I do get tired quickly of winter. A few years ago I spent a few months in Oregon over the winter and I loved it. I remember the first time I went to Oregon it was in January and I had just started to date this wonderful man who lives there. I think he got a laugh out of me because I kept exclaiming how wonderful it was to see flowers in January. The first time we went to his mother's house I was amazed to see her rose bushes not only uncovered but blooming! I was very touched when she cut some blooms off of one of them to give to me. Then again I got a laugh out of his sister and some of his friends who were so excited when it snowed one day while I was there. Big fat wet flakes which I knew wouldn't stay but they were so excited by this snow. I guess it all comes down to what you are used to.

I want my daughter to enjoy all the seasons though. There is so much I want to teach her and show her and expose her to. I would love for her to have swim lessons at the lake in the summer and switch to an indoor pool for winter lessons like I did. Those are great memories I have. I would love for her to take ice-skating lessons too (hockey or figure skating or speed skating -- the choice is hers ....) I would love to teach her to make "tire tracks" in the snow by how one walks, and to teach her to make snow angels and to make the perfect snow ball.

One winter when I about 11 my Dad made a skating rink for my sisters and I in our backyard. Now that was a winter I enjoyed! I think I was out there every day after school and into the evening skating. Needless to say that is also the winter when I perfected a few jumps as well as the spiral and the spread eagle. There was a winter previous to that one when my Dad made a slide of ice and snow for us in the back yard too. I also remember being wakened at what felt to me like the middle of the night (probably only around 11 pm) and my Mom and Dad wrapping my sister and I in a blanket and carrying us outside so we could hear the frogs "sing". My parents made some wonderful memories for my sisters and I. These are the kind of memories I would like to be able to make for my daughter.

My parents have taught me a lot about parenting and I thank them for it. Although ours is not the perfect relationship and we do have our problems I know that any mistakes my parents made with me were not from selfishness or lack of caring or laziness. I know they did what they thought was best at the time. My parents are one of the greatest blessings God has given me in my life.

It is always a bit of a shock when one stops seeing one's parents as parents and starts to see them as people. People who had an identity before they were "so and so's Mom and Dad". People who continue to have feeling and thoughts aside from being one's parent and who continue to have an identity separate from that of "mom" or "dad". When we can see that we can release our parents from childish expectations and let them be who they are, even if it is a disappointment or they weren't great parents.

There is a line from the movie "The Crow" which has really stuck in my head, even more so now that I am going to be a mom. I don't remember the line exactly but it is something like "Mother is the word for god on the lips of children ....." No-one can be God but God, however, it is so exact on how a child sees his or her parent, in particular his or her mom. My prayer continues to be that I will be a good and godly mother to my child.

Under His mercy and grace,