Tuesday, October 11th, 2005

I have to remind myself that I am saving money by taking public transit to work and that I am helping the environment. For some reason as of late taking public transit sets off the "pregzilla" in me and I find myself irritated and annoyed by the behaviour of people on public transit. It seems common courtesy, like common sense, is just not all that common.

For example, is it courteous to cut one's fingernails in public? I found it disgusting as this girl at the c-train station snipped her fingernails and the parings went flying everywhere around her. Similarly I was also irritated by a couple of other people who had their feet up on the seats. They may as well have stuck their feet on the butts of people as they went by.

I think what bothered me most was the time I was on the bus and it was incredibly crowded. I was sitting in the priority seating as there had been nothing else available when I got on. A few stops later the bus was very crowded and people were swaying against each other and stumbling into one another with every bump the bus hit. It was then an elderly man got on the bus. He looked like he was 80 if he was a day and he was using a cane. I was concerned as I wondered how on earth he'd manage holding onto the strap and the cane and be able to keep his balance. I got up and gave him my seat as it became apparant no one else was going to. He thanked me and as he sat down he said in a loud voice that he wondered what society was coming to when a pregnant woman had to give up her seat for an elderly person. All I knew is that as hard as it is for me as my belly gets bigger and my centre of balance changes to keep my balance I could keep it a lot better than an elderly man with a cane could. I am not saying that I am more courteous than most. My point is that we should all be courteous and keep an eye out for each other. One day each one of us, should we live that long, will be in the position of that elderly man. I hope on that day someone will give up his or her seat for me.

"Now for something completely different". I have been feeling the baby move for about a week or so now, but today is the first day I actually saw my stomach kinda ripple when the baby moved. It was a very weird thing to see. Wonderful, and yet weird.

I know a lot of women who love being pregnant. I wish I were one of them and at times I feel guilty that I do not feel that way. I am firmly of the opinion, and no one can convince me otherwise, that if women knew all the things that could happen during pregnancy the birth rate would be a lot lower. As my body changes I feel grumpy about it at times. I feel like I am losing control of my body and I do not like that. Normally I am not a grumpy person.

I am a stomach sleeper and it makes me grumpy as it is becoming increasingly difficult to find a comfortable position to sleep in. I feel like I am laying on a rock. I also feel grumpy about acid indigestion (or as my Mom calls it "acid indignation") I feel grumpy about round ligament pain. I feel grumpy that I have to get up to pee so often when I try to sleep. In short I just feel grumpy (although that may be in correlation to the lack of sleep I am getting). So the other day I found this website listing the things some women loved about being pregnant and I read it hoping it would help me.

There were a couple of things on there I found I liked as well. One of the things I read that I like is this woman wrote about feeling good that she no longer felt like she had to suck her belly in. Woohoo, I like that too! I have to admit though that in the shower the other day as I looked down on the growing bump that is my stomach I did try to suck it in -- nothing happened! Although I am trying to keep an eye on what I eat it is nice not to worry about it as much as I do when I am not pregnant. So far my weight gain has been in totally normal parameters. Still it is hard as my clothes no longer fit, even the "fatter" clothes that I had had previously.

Since moving to Calgary and before getting pregnant I had lost about 25-30 lbs. Although I know it is because I am pregnant that my clothes are no longer fitting it is still weird and disheartening in a way. So, "yay" for feeling like I don't have to suck my tummy in and "yay" for the steadily growing bump that is my stomach, it means my wee girl is growing and healthy. Now I just have to convince my pastor's wife that "eating for two" is a myth. Every time we share a meal together she puts more food on my plate insisting I am eating for two! Then again she does have 5 children under the age of 11. hmmmmmmmmm

On the subject of eating and pregnancy though, before I got pregnant I wasn't a big fan of chocolate. Now I really like it, and I figure it has to be the baby and it would just be wrong to deprive the baby.

The number one thing I read that spoke to me is of the specialness of knowing that a new life is growing within me. Within me is a totally unique person dependant and yet separate from me. I find myself wondering what she will look like, and what her personality and character will be like. I've started singing to her and reading her stories as according to websites and other things I have read the baby is now starting to hear things and be more aware. Maybe if I keep these things more in mind I will start to enjoy being pregnant instead of feeling like my body has been taken over by an alien and will never be the same again.

I have to admit to a growing sense of wonder as I contemplate who this little soul is that is growing and developing within me. Although I am not always comfortable being "Hotel Mama" I don't want to feel negative about being pregnant, and thinking on who wee SweetPea is going to be does fill me with wonder and awe. That wonder is what I am going to hold onto the next time my pelvis feels like it is being attacked by the jaws of life or my ligaments are stretched and pushed out of the way as my uterus grows. When she is big enough that I feel her kick instead of the "blurble" feeling I will consider how she is fearfully and wonderfully made, and that she is God's wee masterpiece He has trusted me with to love, look after and guide. I pray that God will reveal her personality and character to me so that I will be best able to encourage her and help her grow and to take advantage of the gifts and talents He has given her.

Under His mercy and grace,