Monday, October 10th, 2005

So many thoughts run through my head as I start this journal. I am not quite sure why I am writing except that I would like some kind of outlet during my pregnancy to deal with how I am feeling/what I am thinking etc ... I never thought that I would have children so imagine my great surprise/shock/delight/shock to find out that at age 37 I am pregnant. At my age I really didn't think that I would ever conceive let alone carry to term. I am in my 5th month and there is no longer any danger of miscarriage.

This is not the way I'd choose to have a child (being a single parent) but now that I am pregnant I would not undo it. Abortion was never ever an option.

At times this pregnancy feels unreal even as I see my belly grow and can now feel the baby move. If "blurble" were a feeling that is exactly how it feels when she moves. Seeing her in the ultrasound really helped make it seem more real. I was awed as I saw her tiny form move and had to laugh as I saw her stick her thumb in her mouth while hooking her pointer finger over her nose. For the longest time I sucked my thumb just like that and thought as I watched her "like mother like daughter".

It still feels odd to me to think of having a child and to say things like "my daughter". I bought some baby things the other day and as I held the tiny little "onesies" and folded them to put away it was an amazing feeling to think that someday soon they would be filled by her little body. Even more amazing was looking at the size of newborn diapers and to think that at one time my butt once fit into something that tiny!

Being a single mom scares me at times. I wonder how I am going to do it financially, emotionally, physically etc... The baby's father is not a part of this. He does not even know I am pregnant. I lived with him briefly but as time went on his alcoholism became more apparent and he became more and more emotionally and verbally abusive. I was very concerned that it would lead to physical violence after he shoved me against a wall with a mattress the day we moved to another condo and threw one of my possessions across a room. I knew I had to leave. I am not sure what to tell my wee one about her father yet. I have decided in my heart not to bad-mouth him to my child but to allow her to ask questions and answer them as honestly as I can. How do you tell your daughter that her father doesn't care about her mother and that he would have been just as happy to see her miscarry if he knew she was pregnant?

I have no intentions of going to the father for financial support since basically the only thing I want from him is to be left alone. There are times when in my more delusional moments I consider telling him and I know I have to be delusional because in these thoughts he is supportive and kind and looks out for me and after me as I struggle through some of the not so pleasant aspects of being pregnant. Then I remember the reality of the man -- and how he would call me names and treat me like I was stupid and incompetent and how he would try to manipulate and control me with his words and moods and with money. For example, when I moved out here the job I thought I had was one I found out after moving 3 provinces over no longer existed -- thank you Telus. The money I thought I would have coming in was not there and so I ended up having to rely on this man for groceries and rent until I could get caught up. Once I bought myself a diet pepsi and I was told that while I owed him money I was not to do such things. Another time I was invited to a friend's place for dinner and to watch a dvd. I was then told that I couldn't do that while I owed him money either and that I owed him for the bus fare I spent to get to this friend's place. I was also told that I was not to sit on his couch since it was HIS, HE bought and HE paid for it and HE earned it and I was not to sit there even if he was not using it. These are just a few of the things he pulled the brief while I lived in the same place as him (and I haven't even begun to go into his dysfunctional relationship with his mother.) There were good times (or else I'd not have become pregnant) but those moments described above became more and more frequent as did the moodiness and unkindness and verbal abuse. It is when I remember how it really was with him that I snap out of that delusion and wake up to the reality of my situation that I have to do this alone.

Having said that I know that I am not alone in the sense I have some good friends who are trying their best to be supportive to me, but that is not the same as a partner, the co-creator of this child.

Before becoming pregnant I knew I had a great capacity to love, but I had no idea of the depth and richness of it until I felt love for this wee girl. I hope to be the best mother I can to her, and although at times I may not be able to afford brand name clothes or fancy holidays for her I do know that being a good parent is not about money.

I also know I need to return to school if I am to make a better life for her and I. An undergraduate degree in English Literature does not go far these days without a Master's degree. I have no wish to further pursue English Lit though and am considering public relations or something along those lines. LOL, since I seem to be writing so much when I was not sure what to say when I started this entry maybe I should see about a job getting paid to write. Now that would be cool!

There are so many more things I could write about, however, I think I have written more than enough for one entry.

Under God's mercy and grace,