How strange to realize that it is two years to the day since I last wrote anything. I used to write a lot and I have found, strangely enough, that my relationship with God improves as I write out what it is I am thinking and feeling.

I've kept a lot of things inside not sure what to write because for some reason, over this past while, I became more concerned about the reaction of others to what is that is going on inside of me than I did about actually writing about it. This is not good.

If I am honest I will admit that the past two years or so have been more about trying to live the expectations others have of me than of what God has for me and being honest to who I really am. This is not good.

The most honest I have been with who I am is with my daughter. This is good. She is a treasure, a blessing from God that I cherish and thank Him for every day. I've messed so many other things up in my life I am doing my best not to mess this up. God trusts me with her. That scares me and it makes me want to be a better person and to get more real with God and with who I am.

I wrote a friend of mine today and told him he needed to get "nekkid" in front of God (yes, I meant metaphorically). Well, I'm going to be taking my own advice. For the most part I am an easy going and content person. However, being so easy going means that I can let some things slide. I'm not going to coast along anymore and so, will be posting my thoughts as I step deeper, live more strongly, wildly, in the presence of God. To quote from the title of a book by Brother Lawrence I am going to practice the presence of God. This is not going to be easy and I would be fooling myself if I thought otherwise. Many years ago I prayed asking God to reveal my sins. I prayed that at about 9 pm. At 2:30 in the morning I was begging God to stop since I couldn't handle it anymore. Quite frankly I am afraid to pray that again. I am more afraid not to. I want to live right, pure, holy.

I can't sleep, and when I can't sleep sometimes I just let my thoughts run wild, like a ferret out of it's cage, and I watch curious as to where they will go.

I found myself thinking about words. I like words. I like the way some words sound, for example: "kumquat". I don't know why but I just really like the way it sounds. I also like the word "sibilant". Again, I am not sure why but I just do.

The word of the evening though was "qualm". It's a weird sounding word and somewhat awkward to say -- does one include the "l" sound or not?

So I was thinking ... one can say "I have no qualms" or "I am without a qualm" and yet one does not hear "I am qualmless". I also found myself wondering that if one were uneasy and felt a storm was coming, or was uneasy about an approaching storm, would it be fair to say that it is the "qualm before the storm"?

So now you know my deep thoughts for the evening ....

I received the following letter and after much thought decided that being offered such an incredible offer deserved a response.




--- On Fri, 7/18/08, DESMAON EYADEMA wrote:

From: DESMAON EYADEMA
Subject: MY SINCERE REQUEST.
To:
Date: Friday, July 18, 2008, 2:26 PM

Sincere Request:

Dear Sir/Madam.


I am sure that the receipt of this mail will be of utmost
blessing to you.  However sorry to marvel you a bit and
take some of your time in going through
this unpredicted letter of entreaty for your forbearing and
facilitation.


I want to use this opportunity to introduce myself well to
you, I am DESMOND EYADEMA,The Ex late PRESIDENT SON  OF TOGO,
I call you in respect of my consignment boxes in NEW YORK,
which I want you to assist me and stand as my
foreign beneficiary to receive my fund over there in 
the United State of America ,this fund am writing you about is
USD$8.5million  which my late father lodged in a
SECURITY COMPANY for me and my mother, and Mr. John Ascot  who
was suppose to receive this consignment in U.S.A ,Was
demanding for 50% which I and my mother did not agree on for
any reason, that was why we have to stop the delivery to him.


MY Request,
I hereby seek your consent to stand as Beneficiary to the siad
funds, I will give you 20% from the total fund involved for
your assistance, because that was the former agreement we
had with our foreign partner. Mr. John Ascot before he
later change is mind because of his greed that is why I and
my mother put a stop to the delivery to him

I hereby give you warranty that this covenant will be
consummated with all total repute to all statutory pecking
order that will protect you from any fissure of all existing 
charter. I hereby guarantee you that all necessary
credentials/information and legal documents required will be
made available to you and to legally equipped your claim to
this funds.

Kindly get back to with your full personal data's including
your telephone numbers to enable US discuss the necessary
modalities.

Thank you in anticipation for your positive response.

Yours Sincerely.
Desmond Eyadema



What follows is my response to the sincerity of Desmond
Eyadema.

Thank you for your offer to marvel me a bit.  However,
of late it seems my life is full of marvels.

I would love to be able to help you; however, it seems I
have won both the Australian and the British lotteries. 
This is really rather amazing since I never entered those
lotteries, so you can imagine my surprise at such wonderful
news.  It also seems that I am an heir of some man I never
knew existed.  Although my father would be the next of
kin, yet again it seems fortune is smiling on me and all sorts
of people who would normally be in line before me to inherit
such an amazing amount of money have been ignored so that I
could inherit this sizable sum. 

Further, there is this woman in Africa who sincerely needs my
help since she is  a childless widow.  Without an heir she needs
my help to deal with all the countless riches left to her that
she needs to get out of Africa. It is so sad about her husband
being killed by terrorists in Afghanistan. 

Finally I've also been contacted by this man in China who
desperately needs my help to move funds out of China for our
mutual benefit.

So, as you can see with all this I am incredibly busy and
cannot spare the time.  However, I am sure that with the way
things have been lately I will be offered a similar
opportunity later on ~ perhaps even tomorrow.

Sunday, January 29th, 2006

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2:49p - Pride

Today at church the sermon was about delay not meaning denial and it really caused me to think about a lot of things. The first being that it fit in with some verses that have really been on my mind the past few weeks, I Thessalonians 5:19 - 21 states Do not put out the Spirits fire; do not treat prophecies with contempt. Test everything. Hold onto the good.

A few months ago the pastor at my church had a Word for me, and it was pretty much everything I have wanted for my life, a husband, children and a ministry helping others -- as well as being a writer .... Parts of the Word were right on in that it was a confirmation of some things I had been praying for myself -- things like not falling into old patterns etc, and although Ben did not know about my past he talked about the damage done to me in grade school, high school and the last year or so of university. I took what he said to heart but have been afraid to believe it --- since I did not want to be disappointed when it did not come true .... hmmm, what sad thinking is that since that was my first response to what he was saying?! In short I was treating a prophecy with contempt, even though I had tested the Word in my spirit. It was also my pride. I was afraid to believe it since if it did not come true I would not look like a fool for having believed it. It is funny how we as people will do almost anything so as not to appear foolish to each other and how we hold onto and cling to our pride.

I have come to the conclusion of late that there is a vast difference between holding onto ones pride and holding onto ones dignity. In all the things Jesus went through not once did he ever appear to have lost his dignity, even when he was stripped naked, beaten, spat upon and jeered at. He is supposed to be our role model and so I will hold onto his example of dignity -- and he could have been so proud -- he who in very nature being God did not consider equality with God something to be grasped at but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as man he humbled himself and became obedient to death -- even death on a cross. Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow in heaven and on earth and under the earth. And every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to the glory of God the Father (Philippians 2: 6 - 11 NIV)

I have pretty much come to the conclusion though that when it comes to God I am quite willing to be seen as foolish -- or naive depending on how one wants to look at it. Even though I may not have seen everything God has for me in my life yet it does not mean that it will not happen -- as the sermon stated this morning delay does NOT mean denial. So I will trust, and I will obey and I will wait. Those who wait upon the LORD will renew their strength and mount up with wings as eagles. They will run and not grow weary they will walk and not faint ...

I am excited to see how God will work things out in my life. I believe he will work out my housing situation, my finances and my life with SweetPea. I trust Him and want to take this opportunity to publicly state my belief in Hm and my faith in what He will do, what He is doing and what he has done in my life.

Under His mercy and grace,

Thursday, January 26th, 2006

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10:47a - squished bladders and other joys!

It was not at all a surprise to me to read that at this stage in my pregnancy that my bladder is pretty much squished flat. That I would have known even without reading about it. I had to go to the bathroom a lot before I got pregnant -- now I just may as well make it my home. I cannot remember the last time I slept a night through. I am like Old Faithful. You can set a watch by me. Every hour to an hour and half when I try to sleep I am up and going to the bathroom, which in itself is frustrating enough. However when it is coupled with having emptied my bladder (or so I thought) I head to my bedroom, just get to my bedroom door and I have to go AGAIN! It is also painful. What is normally a 30 second walk to the bathroom becomes longer because of the pressure on my bladder and that it hurts sometimes to straighten up, and I walk like I am about 90 years old (although there may be some 90 yr olds out there who are more spry than I am at this time...)

I am so glad that there are only a few weeks left of this. As much as I love my daughter I am not enjoying being pregnant. Which reminds me that I have been conducting a non-scientific and quite non-random survey of a lot of the women I know who have been pregnant and asking them if they have enjoyed the experience. So far only about 1 woman has said she did -- but she as also said that she had pretty much the picture perfect pregnancy. I was very glad for my Mom being honest when I asked her if she liked it when she was pregnant. There was about a 10 second silence then she answered that while she loved having us she did not like it. I think it is because it is not so much that it is unpleasant as it is uncomfortable.

I am having a hard time believing this experience is almost over! It felt like it would never end and now there are only a few weeks left. God has really been taking care of SweetPea through this time. A couple of Sundays ago I had a surprise shower for her held by a woman who lives in the same apartment complex as I do. Women whom I had never met before gave me all sorts of things for my wee girl, and this past Sunday the women at my church also had a surprise shower for me after church and supplied me with more things for my wee one. I have always had a soft heart but since being pregnant it is easier to bring that to the surface. Needless to say at both showers I was moved to tears by the kindness and generousity people have been showing to me and my daughter.

Just as an aside, in the course of writing this I have made three trips to the bathroom....

I have so much more I want to write about but it will have to wait until later as I can no longer sit comfortably in front of the computer.

Under His mercy and grace,

Tuesday, January 10th, 2006

---

11:51p

I want to be beautiful

And make you stand in awe

Look inside my heart

And be amazed

I want to hear you say

What I am is quite enough

I just want to be worthy of love

And beautiful

--Bethany Dillon, Beautiful

I read that poem and it tore at my heart as I think it appeals to what practically every woman wants. I know as of late I have felt anything but beautiful. I know that the majority of the weight I have gained has been from the pregnancy, but I still feel awkward and large and unattractive. The King James Version of the Old Testament has a term that pretty much fits how I am feeling of late and that is "sea cow".

It is nice to think in a couple of months my body will be mine again -- well inhabited by me alone. I know that SweetPea will have a claim on me for the rest of my life.

As my due date becomes closer and closer I keep thinking more and more about what it is to be a mother. I thank God for my Mom and I hope that I can do even half as good of a job as she has done. It is funny it is not until one is older that one realizes all the sacrifices made for one and becomes truly grateful for it.

My prayer continues to be a godly and good mother for my little girl.

Wednesday, December 14th, 2005

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3:32p - Bed rest and other joys

I haven't been able to write for several weeks. Until just today the only internet access I had was at work. I haven't been at work in several weeks since I have been put on partial bed rest. In some ways it is kinda fun being put under doctor's orders to be a couch potato -- then the inevitable boredom sets in. Although mine is not my dream job it does give me something to do with my time.

As this pregnancy progresses so has my physical discomfort. I am one who could only sleep on my stomach and so it is difficult trying to sleep in any other position. My belly is getting too big to sleep on my tummy. SweetPea also seems to protest when I try to lay on my stomach (unless she also is alseep at the time) but when I lay on my tummy I can feel her kick more.

She is a very active baby and although it does cause some discomfort I am glad for it as I have been praying for a healthy, happy, active child. A friend and I went to see The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe this past weekend and she kicked practically throughout the whole movie. This past Sunday I spent most of the time during the sermon at church standing up at the back since she was kicking so much I could not get comfortable. My pastor keeps teasing me that although I don't consider myself "pentecostal" in that my worship tends to be more reserved that my baby is certainly "pentecostal". It is true though that she kicks and gets active during church and prayer meetings and bible studies .....

I have been using this time of partial bedrest to get my spiritual house in order. God had been bringing up things from my past for me to work through so as it won't be baggage I carry into my relationship with my daughter. I thank God over and over again that these things end with me and I break off anything that would hold my little girl back. Now it is time to build into the future as well. I want so much to give this child everything I can that will be of benefit to her. As I've written before I never knew I could love the way that I am loving this little one growing inside of me.

This will be the first Christmas I have ever spent away from my family apart from the mission trip I took to Cuba when I was in university. I am finding myself feeling very homesick and missing my family so very much. I look around at other people's Christmas preparations and I find myself thinking on Christmas with my family. How the house would smell so wonderfully of holiday baking and of the friends that would come over for dinner on Christmas Eve. The fantastic meal my Mom would create and the fun and conversation of being with friends I hadn't seen in a long time. I always enjoy Christmas Eve so much when I was at home. My parents home is in a very pretty neighbourhood with a lot of mature trees and they have a large backyard. Usually it snows on Christmas Eve and their yard begins to look like a Christmas Card or an etching by Currier and Ives. The snow falling gently on the trees, catching the ambient light from the moon and sparkling softly like muted diamonds as it falls to the ground is so beautiful, and it takes the bareness of the trees and covers them so they look like something from a magical kingdom.

Christmas day is fun too, I loved watching my nephew this past Christmas as he opened not only his own presents but everyone elses too (ok, so at 2 he was really enthusiastic at the present opening thing ...lol). Poor Joshua was given a cool race track set last Christmas and I think his Dad and his Aunt spent more time playing with it then he did at times (OK, so I always wanted my own race track when I was a kid .... can you blame me??? ) I would love to be able to watch him this year too, and to catch up with my sister, brother-in-law, nephew, parents and friends. However, that is not an option available to me. My father still is not speaking to me and even should I be able to afford to get back to Ontario for Christmas I would not be able to go home ....

My estimated due date is in two months. I think at times I want her out NOW and other times I am just as glad I have these couple of months since I feel I still have so much more to do to prepare for her. I am so glad my Mom will be coming though when the baby is born. It will have been about a year since I have seen her and I miss her so very much. I think at that point in time too I will just want my Mom around. Sometimes when I think about being a single parent I get overwhelmed by everything. Then I remind myself that life is not an accident and although I do not think having children without being married is right I also know that life is not an accident and God has trusted me with this little one and has faith in me to be a good mother. This is not a trust or a faith I am willing or wanting to break. I also remind myself that I am not the first woman to go through this and I will not (unfortunately) be the last one to either.