How strange to realize that it is two years to the day since I last wrote anything. I used to write a lot and I have found, strangely enough, that my relationship with God improves as I write out what it is I am thinking and feeling.

I've kept a lot of things inside not sure what to write because for some reason, over this past while, I became more concerned about the reaction of others to what is that is going on inside of me than I did about actually writing about it. This is not good.

If I am honest I will admit that the past two years or so have been more about trying to live the expectations others have of me than of what God has for me and being honest to who I really am. This is not good.

The most honest I have been with who I am is with my daughter. This is good. She is a treasure, a blessing from God that I cherish and thank Him for every day. I've messed so many other things up in my life I am doing my best not to mess this up. God trusts me with her. That scares me and it makes me want to be a better person and to get more real with God and with who I am.

I wrote a friend of mine today and told him he needed to get "nekkid" in front of God (yes, I meant metaphorically). Well, I'm going to be taking my own advice. For the most part I am an easy going and content person. However, being so easy going means that I can let some things slide. I'm not going to coast along anymore and so, will be posting my thoughts as I step deeper, live more strongly, wildly, in the presence of God. To quote from the title of a book by Brother Lawrence I am going to practice the presence of God. This is not going to be easy and I would be fooling myself if I thought otherwise. Many years ago I prayed asking God to reveal my sins. I prayed that at about 9 pm. At 2:30 in the morning I was begging God to stop since I couldn't handle it anymore. Quite frankly I am afraid to pray that again. I am more afraid not to. I want to live right, pure, holy.