There is a lot of truth in the saying that those who eavesdrop seldom hear good of themselves. I learned that the hard way this evening. Out of curiousity I read back entries of an ex-bf's journal and I was stung by what I read. It is a real eye-opener to see how easily one can be misunderstood and misrepresented. I was quite stung to read what Anthony had to say about me to Bill. Anthony totally lied about me and to me. Bill's perception of the situation at that time and my life was also totally skewed.

In one of our previous conversations Anthony had admitted to being a liar and lying when he had no real reason to do so. I just never thought he would lie about and to me. Was I wrong! I was stung to hear how I was perceived and misunderstood. Sometimes I wonder if it was a deliberate misunderstanding or if I really was seen that way. It hurt that both of these people whom I thought I had shared a lot of myself could totally misread me on some issues.

This has caused me to really start thinking about one's awareness of one's self and how others perceive that awareness. I think I am being open and honest. I think I am showing my 'true colours', but what if others muddy those colours? What if those colours one thinks are so precious aren't even seen or worse seen but by someone colour blind to the colours used? Worse still are colours seen but treated as worthless. In university in one of my psychology classes I heard a saying that comes to my mind now about "I am not who I think I am. I am not who you think I am. I am who I think you think I am". It comes down to perception.

I once had this job I hated and in our training we talked about perception being reality. This again leads me back to my university days and a philosophy course I took on "Critical Thinking and Reasoning" about the nature of truth and the various philosophies of what truth really is. I guess many like Pilot find themselves asking "What is truth?" Others don't really care and figure that what they see or what they perceive is the truth. Some find themselves pressing through really digging for the truth regardless of what it may reveal about one's self or others. I do not know where those two men are in that spectrum since as skewed as their vision of me is mine could be just as skewed of who they are. However, I know for myself I want the truth enough to really look for it. I am not content to live a life of self-delusion or one of easy answers for the sake of personal comfort. Where I am wrong I want to know and to have the strength of character to admit that wrong and change. Where I am right I will stand strong and not allow myself to be influenced into what I know is wrong just because it is 'easier' than standing up for the truth. When I have questions I will ask. "The unexamined life is not worth living".

Although reading what I did has hurt me, I deserved that hurt in that I should have left some things well enough alone. However, in some ways I am glad that I read it in that it is spurring me on towards a better knowledge of self -- but self as seen through the eyes of God.

God is not one to sugar coat things. While I was away from Him and living a life I knew was not right His words kept coming back to me "Do not harden your heart while it is still today". I was not being true to myself. I was not being true to what I professed to believe and worse I was not being true to God; and yet my perception was wrong. I thought I had all the time in the world. Each day I chose to harden my heart I began to see the truth less and less and began to believe the deceptions were the truth. My perception was that what I was doing was not really wrong in the grand scheme of things. So I was living with a man who is not my husband, so I was allowing pagan beliefs to start to define my outlook on life .... it wasn't that bad. Or so I told myself, once again showing how perception can be skewed.

I missed God and I came back to Him because I was miserable. Life on the "outside" was cold and unkind and I missed the gentleness and kindness of God. However, it wasn't until I became pregnant that the delusions I had placed around myself came down and I started to see, really see how deceived I was and the lies I had allowed to build up around myself to justify the choices I had made. In 1 Corinthians Paul writes about us seeing through a mirror darkly. In some ways I think that is because as people we cannot see clearly. Despite ourselves our perceptions are faulty and our vision is poor. Although my perception while I am here is still going to be skewed in some ways I know that through Jesus (the way, the truth and the life) my perception will not be as messed up as it would be without him. I am not afraid now to look at things the way He does. I am more afraid to deceive myself and the consequences of that. I thank God that in 1 Peter God promises that one day we will know as we are known..

I've written about the kind of legacy I want to give my daughter. As part of that legacy I want her to be a truth-seeker and a truth speaker. The only way to give that legacy is to live it myself.

Under His mercy and grace, a sadder but wiser,