Tuesday, November 8th, 2005

The countdown is on?

If the ultrasound technician is right there are now 100 days until my estimated due date. If my ob-gyn is correct there are 107 days until my estimated due date. By my estimation by going somewhere in the middle I have 103.5 days until I am due. There is a bit of talk of starting a baby pool at work to guess the due date.

It still sounds like I have a lot of time left to get ready and prepare but realistically I know that is not the case. I have only about 7 paydays or so until I go on maternity leave and I feel like I am so behind. I have already been offered a lot of stuff, and I've started to stockpile things on my own as well. I think the biggest thing is the mental part of getting ready. If the truth be told sometimes I am scared. All I know is on one Friday morning when I saw that blue horizontal line on the pregnancy test my life changed forever and will never again be the same.

The whole walk home from the pharmacy after buying the test I kept praying that it was a false alarm. I felt like I was pregnant, but I really wasn't prepared to see the positive result. I was so in shock I even called the manufacturer's 800 line to double check that I was reading the test correctly. Some days I still have a hard time believing I am going to be a mother even with the evidence of no periods, morning sickness and a burgeoning belly. I never really thought I would ever become a mother. I felt that time had passed me by. Now this baby is my miracle.

Before I knew I was pregnant I would see women with their children and I'd be envious in a way. I wanted to know what it was to be a mother. All I knew is that sometimes my heart would ache when I would hold a baby and I never felt as complete as I did when I held a child. There is nothing in the world that feels quite like the arms of a little one clinging around one's neck and that child burying his or her face into one's shoulder. I had so many people say to me "You are so good with kids, how many do you have?" It used to hurt a bit inside when I'd answer that I had no children. Sometimes I would look in a mirror and mouth the word "barren" to myself. I thought that if I could get myself used to it, and call myself that word, that name, that in time I would get used to it and it would no longer be the secret pain that I held.

Previously Sunday had been one of the most lonely days of the week. In many ways churches are not set up for single people past a certain age. There are plenty of things to do for teens and university/college age people. However, it seems that once one has passed the age of 27 or so churches tend to forget the singles. By age 27 most are either in "young marrieds" or "young marrieds with children" groups. Going to church and being surrounded by that used to push the knife edge in deeper but pride kept me smiling and there was no way I'd share that inner pain with with anyone. I did not, nor do I ever want anyone's pity. That was the main reason I stopped going to church. If I wasn't surrounded by it I did not feel as hurt by it. I don't want to make it sound that people were deliberately callous or rude -- it's just that most don't stop to think beyond their own social circle. Those who do decide to look beyond their social circle often end up making that single person feel more single because it is like they are doing the person a favour by including him or her. Coming across that kind of attitude was even worse than being on the fringes.

In Trinidad they have a term for a woman who is unmarried past a certain age. They call her a "had-back woman". I guess basically meaning no-one wants her. I used to laugh at that term, until I became that woman. All my life all I ever really wanted was to be a wife and a mother (yes in that order, although admittedly I am out of order now .....) My desire for that caused me to make a lot of stupid mistakes. I used to be ok in waiting, but then I got tired of it. I felt God was somehow cheating me. I could not understand (and admittedly still don't understand) how He could place a desire so strongly in my heart for my life and yet not fulfill it.

Come 20 I was alright with being single. 21, 22, 23, still I felt ok. By 24 I was starting to feel pressure as I saw my friends start to get married. At 26 I started to date this man just two weeks before my sister died. If I knew then what I knew now I would have run from this man as fast as I could. I was very naif and incredibly inexperienced -- two things this man was not. I don't want to lay all the blame on his shoulders since I was an adult woman at that time and capable of saying "no". In my defense though my sister's death really messed me up. Until that time my sexual education had consisted of "Don't do 'it' until you are married!" That is totally inadequate. I knew the physical consequences of premarital sex -- pregnancy and/or stds. I was not at all prepared for the emotional and spiritual consequences of it all. One night this man and I had sex. I thought that after having sex marriage was the only logical next step -- as I said, I was very naif. I spent years thinking I had to "make things right" and become married to this person.

My sister's death and my relationship with this man was the beginning of a downward spiral for me. I cried so many tears and prayed so many prayers because of this man. Now I thank God for unanswered prayers. This man and I would have been totally unsuitable for each other though I did not know it at the time. I felt at that time like I couldn't breathe and that his rejection of me after having sex reinforced in me my belief that somehow I was deficient. I wish I had been told that having sex with a person, unless your heart has become totally hardened to the experience, is like leaving a part of your heart and soul with the one you are physically intimate with. When you are no longer with that person you don't get that part of yourself back. I wish I had been told that I would gain an insight into the person I was with and would know things about them, their state of mind etc in such a way that it would be intrusive for me and my healing after the break up. "Soul ties" are a very real thing.

The way I dealt with my pain was to throw myself into a Godly lifestyle, and I kept going to church in spite of the loneliness it caused me. I surrounded myself with strong Christian friends and borrowed from their strength to grow my own. I wish I could say that I learned from that, but the loneliness grew. Every Sunday I would see these seemingly happy couples and it would hurt and the loneliness grew deeper. I was moving into that age span where churches don't know what to do with singles so I stopped going to church.

It is also very true that once you've had sex with someone it opens up the possibility of having sex with someone else. That was how I dealt with the loneliness I felt and I had a series of short lived experiences with some men. My heart became hardened to it and it was not a big deal to me any longer. In fact when a man said he cared about me my first reaction was to shrug it off and not believe him. I even told one man that he didn't have to say it since I was already in bed with him and he didn't need a line to get me there. From being very naif I was becoming jaded. One night after having had sex with this man I looked at him and was disgusted with myself and I started to cry. I wondered if this was all there was and how I had let myself get this far from what God wanted. My room-mate was away that night so I left my bed and went to sleep in her room. The next morning I broke it off with that man and explained that sex without marriage was killing me inside. I don't think he understood and he did make several attempts after that to get back with me. I ended up breaking all ties with him.

After that I was celibate for several months. In time I met this Christian man and he helped me out with a lot of my struggles with how my pagan friends were more accepting and loving towards me than my Christian friends. His outlook was not traditional and we seemed to really hit it off. Eventually we started dating and it was great going to church with my boyfriend. It was the first time I could share spiritual experiences with the man I was dating. I fell for him so hard and I loved him like I have not loved anyone since. He opened up a new world to me in many ways and although he is not the one for me and I have no desire for a relationship with him now I will always be grateful for the things and people knowing him brought into my life. I wish I could say that our relationship remained above board, but it did not. Sex is an area of weakness for him too. Strangely even though our relationship was also sexual I grew a lot spiritually -- I have no explanation for it. However, as I grew my conscience bothered me more and more and I knew I could no longer have sex with him. I don't think he ever understood my decision. I don't think he ever understood that when I said "no" to sex I was not saying "no" to him but was saying "no" to sin. In fact by not having sex with him I was trying to show honour to our relationship. Needless to say the relationship did not last long after that. We were both messed up at the time.

I stayed true to my convictions for at least a three years or so after that, but loneliness is a strange thing -- and I felt so hurt and bitter about feeling that God was denying my heart's desire even though "in all my ways I was committing my ways" to God. I never bothered to go back to church but instead just followed God in my own way. I'd pray and read my Bible as well as Christian books and listen to Christian music. Occasionally I would go to church but never really found a church where I felt at home apart from the church I had gone to when I was in Oregon. That also fed my hurt that I felt with God.

When I was in Oregon it was the first time I felt like I could truly be myself without feeling I had to live up to the expectations of who others thought I should be. For the first time I felt like I was accepted for me. I had friends there who seemed to like me for me not for what they thought I could give them, and who let me be me quirks and all. It was very freeing. I also found a ministry there that I loved to be involved with. To this day I love working with street kids and have volunteered with several places I've lived in Canada since I got back from Oregon. However, since I am not American I could not live there -- well not live there and be legally able to work. Even the scenery in Oregon fed my soul and I love it there. Should I never make another friend there, and should everyone I know there leave, given the chance I would still love to live in Eugene, Oregon. I felt like God had showed me the banquet but had denied me a seat. That once again I was the starving person watching others partake of what I could not have.

I wish I could say I stuck with my resolve to remain celibate but I did not. I lost contact with most of my Christian friends and by now my walls were so high and my defenses so entrenched it became difficult for me to let anyone close enough to start a friendship with a Christian. If anything I was more on guard around Christians than I was non-believers.

Once again I started a series of shallow relationships which, apart from one, were mainly sexual. I don't think I cared at all for the men I was intimate with except for one. I still think a lot of him and he and I remain friends. This trend continued until I met the father of my baby. Needless to say the man that I first met and the man I ended up living with turned out to be two different people. I've already written a bit about how that was and I can see no purpose in adding more to that story. Being around him made me realize how much I missed God and how empty and void everything else is in comparison to being with God.

There was a church a few blocks from where we lived so I started to go back. It was very lonely going to that church too. I have nothing against the preaching or the singing there but it is difficult to go to a church where the only person who spoke to me was the greeter when I was given the weekly church bulletin. However, I was determined to stick it out and to go to church each Sunday even if nobody ever spoke to me.

This is where God really showed his hand in my life. I had left all my Christian music in Ontario so in order to encourage myself I started to listen to a Christian radio station here -- Shine FM. It was on Shine FM I heard about this woman's conference called "Total Woman". I decided that I wanted to go and maybe, just maybe I'd meet people who'd talk to me and maybe be my friend. I had been praying for weeks to find a Christian friend. I had started to suspect I might be pregnant and the day before the conference I took an at home test. The next day I was so tired I thought I didn't want to go to the conference. I wasn't feeling well and since no-one was expecting me no-one would miss me if I didn't show up. I had all sorts of excuses going through my head why I didn't want to go, and why I should just stay in bed. I then remembered what a preacher had said once about meeting that kind of resistance -- he said often when you feel so strongly you shouldn't go, that is when you should and that that Satan is just trying to keep you from something God would have for you. Well, that decided me so I pretty much rushed out of bed and jumped into my clothes just in time to catch the bus to the conference. Embarrassingly I had waited so long to get out of bed I didn't have time to have a shower that morning (yuck).

The whole trip to the conference I felt nervous and unsure of myself and wondered what I was doing. I was taking public transit into a part of town I had never seen before, going to a conference where I didn't know anyone, and I felt very shy and nervous.

When I got to the conference I was praying God would show me which table to sit at. My first instinct was to sit at the table closest to the door as it makes for an easy getaway.... However, I felt to go to this table all the way across the room. I sat there and just observed the people at the table for awhile and as I listened to a couple of the young women I thought that I had made a terrible mistake on where to sit. There was a young woman there who could have been poster child for Christianity. In fact 14 years ago I probably was her (my how things had changed). I tried to make small talk with her and her friend and felt more and more out of place. Then I don't know what came over me since I am generally a person who keeps my private thoughts private and my troubles to myself but I found myself blurting out "I'm pregnant and I just found out yesterday!" (Did I mention that I was still in shock???) Now I think it must have been God who took over my vocal chords at that time.

From that one decision to go to the conference and that one choice to allow myself to be vulnerable I now have a church I love going to and I met two women at the conference who gave me the means to escape my living situation with "expletive deleted". I don't know what I would have done without Sharon and Dee and I thank God that they opened their homes to a total stranger. They had no idea who I was and yet they welcomed me and made me feel at home and loved. It had been a long time since I had felt those things. If anything, apart from my decision to follow God no matter what, these two women welcoming me into their families helped to melt the majority of the ice and coldness from my heart.

So I guess that brings me to the beginning of this journal and the countdown to when SweetPea arrives. Writing in this journal is my means to come to terms with my past, and with my future but also to live with the now. The ice and coldness melting from my heart also makes me more vulnerable to hurt and to actually feel the pains from my past. However, I would not trade being able to feel again since I know this is what God wants. It is going to take awhile for my defenses to come down. I wish I could just will it so, but in answer to the question "do I really trust God enough to protect me?" I have to say that my answer is yes, I do trust Him and believe Him to do so. The walls are coming down but it is something that may be a slow process for me. I have already pushed myself farther than most people realize. Even starting to journal again is a huge step for me and being as transparent as I have with my pastor and his wife is an even bigger thing. Honesty is integral to this journey as is being open and upfront. It is only in truth can one find God and I will not live a lie any longer.

As I wrote this entry I found myself considering if I would want my daughter to read the kind of checkered past I have had and would I feel like a hypocrite telling her "NO" to some things when I had done them myself. My answer to that is I will welcome my daughter to read this journal if there comes a time when she would like to. Am I proud of some of the things she would read? No, I am not. But if by reading this it will save her some of the pain I have gone through then I want her to read it. If it will lead her to a deeper understanding of my love for God and what He is doing in my life then yes I want her to read it. If it will let her know what a blessing and a gift I consider her to be then yes I definitely want her to read this. After God she is the most important person in my life, and after God she is my biggest joy.

I have not resolved the loneliness issue, nor do I think I ever completely will this side of heaven. I do know that almost every stupid and sinful thing I have done in my life has been because I have not waited for God. I still would like to be a wife but I thank God I am going to be a mother, unwed or otherwise. I am not advocating the choices I have made. I am not saying that what I did to cause this pregnancy was right. I am saying though that God is the God of all life and I thank Him for trusting me with SweetPea and I continue to pray to be worthy of that trust.

The countdown is one and I can hardly wait to meet my daughter .....

Under His mercy and grace,

When I came home from work on Fri morning I pretty much went right to bed -- and that pretty much describes my weekend. I guess I needed the sleep since I pretty much flaked out from Sat. morning to Sun night when I had to get up and get ready for work. I'd been fighting a bad headache all weekend and my tummy was not too happy with me either. I've never had a "lost" weekend before. I am not sure that I want to have another weekend like it again. I feel like I wasted the time, although the sleep has pretty much restored me in many ways back to normal. I am not feeling as stressed as I was by everything.

When I went to the Dr's on Thurs morning he had me take more blood tests (I hope I passed ....) and told me that basically the baby is in better shape than I am. Seems that I am just having a difficult pregnancy. Nothing abnormal, just difficult. I was hoping to be totally over morning sickness by now. I am almost in my 3rd trimester, however, it seems that I am one of those lucky women who get nausea all through the pregnancy. At least it is not constant nausea the way it was in my 1st trimester. Prepregnancy I was a very healthy person and would get a cold now and then but that was about it. I am not used to having to slow down and make allowances for how my body is responding. I guess maybe if I did try to slow down I may not get as tired and nasty feeling as I am now.

As I've written previously I think becoming pregnant is one of the best things that has happened to me in that it is a wake up call to stop drifting and letting life happen. I've met way too many people who do that and to be honest none of them are really happy with where they've drifted to. I am a role model now for this wee girl and I want to do the best that I can, spiritually and with every other facet of my life (then again if I am not doing well spiritually I don't see how any other part of my life can prosper -- at least not in the ways that matter).

My heart is already so full of love for my baby and I want to do the best for her and by her. After God she is the most important person in my life. I never thought I could feel love so strongly and so fiercely for any person. Every now and then I find myself daydreaming about her. What she will look like, what her character and personality will be like, taking her to kindergarten the first time; secondary school graduation; leaving home the first time; university graduation; her wedding day; becoming a grandmother ...... Hmmm, guess I should just stick to day by day LOL. My prayer continues to be for the safety and health of my baby and for a good future for her. I pray that she will come to know Jesus at an early age and that she will be kept from the things that have hurt me so in my life. I pray that she continues to follow God all of her life. I pray to be a godly mother and to love her and be the mother for her she needs.

Under His mercy and grace,

Sunday, October 30th, 2005

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11:51p - No Advice and Don't Touch the Belly!

Although I am over half-way through this pregnancy I am still getting used to thinking of myself as pregnant at times. I am looking forward though to having my body to myself again and not having to deal with the quirks of being pregnant. For example the title of tonight's journal entry was going to be "Sneezing and the Importance of Kegels When Pregnant".... I still think I may use it for another time.

This virus I have just doesn't want to seem to let go. I am so tired and all I can think about is how much I'd just like to take some more time off and just sleep and gather my energy again. I've been running a low grade fever off and on, have had the chills and have been getting a lot of headaches. I have another doctor's appointment on Monday morning so hopefully we can get to the bottom of this and have it taken care of. I can't afford to miss work, but going to work tires me right out and I find myself going to bed when I get home and then sleeping until it is time to go to work again There are days when I feel fine, so I go at my usual pace and then I end up being knocked back again and feeling very tired.

A few nights ago I wanted to go to bed at 10. The baby had other ideas. She became so active it was difficult for me to get comfy. I didn't end up getting to sleep until past midnight. She is now big enough that when she moves around I can put my hand on my tummy and feel her move. I am able to see her move a bit more now too. I have to admit to a weird fascination seeing my belly roil around and wonder "Was that a hand or a foot or an elbow ....?" I can also feel where her head is placed at times too.

On Saturday night I went grocery shopping with my Pastor's wife and their 5 children. Going out with them is always an adventure. I have no idea how she does it. At one point in time I had the three girls with me. Debbie is 7 and the oldest girl. She has a sweet and gentle spirit. Abigail is the next youngest and has just turned 5. Abigail does not walk anywhere if she can dance or run there. The youngest is Ruthie and she is a character par excellence at age 3. Keeping an eye on the three of them was ..... interesting. I found myself saying things like "Please don't stick your head out like that, if you lose it how will I explain that to your mom?" They're good kids, have wonderful hearts and I love them. I just don't know how Dee keeps her eyes on them all though since going out with them is like trying to herd cats. After shopping I was so tired all I wanted was to put the things away and crawl into bed and just stay there. Forever.

When we were finished Dee drove me home and the kids helped me bring in my groceries. I really appreciated the help. Debbie was asking me about the baby and at that time the baby started to move. I let Debbie put her hand on my belly so she could feel the baby and her eyes got so big. I guess I am ok with people touching my belly as long as I initiate it and it doesn't feel intrusive. I am still thinking of making up a t-shirt though that reads "No Advice and don't touch the belly!"

I am still confused as to why some people feel the need to share any pregnancy and labour horror stories with people, in particular with pregnant women. I am also confused as to why some people feel they can come up to a pregnant woman and without asking permission or anything like that just start to touch her belly. I do not want to hear how I am carrying "high" or that I am not showing as much as so and so. Neither do I want to hear people telling me I am not as big as I should be or that I am bigger than I should be at this stage of my pregnancy. I have been told that by the way I am walking I am having a boy. I have been told that by the way I am showing I am having a girl. I have been told that girls are easier. I have been told boys are easier. I have been told "natural childbirth is best". I have been told "get an epidural". Sometimes I think I prefer the old days when the woman was knocked out and presented the child when it was all over.

In one of the many many articles about pregnancy that I read I came across an item about pregnant women tending to deal with emotional stuff and thinking of their past more than they did pre-pregnancy. That was not a big surprise for me to read but it was nice to know that this level of introspection I am going through is par for the course while pregnant.

I've been thinking a lot about my parents and my childhood. Ever since finding out I am pregnant my Dad has not talked to me except for taking a message twice from me to let my Mom know I had called. I miss my Dad very much and I wish he could understand that I need him during this time as much as I need my Mom.

Had I been having a boy I would have named him after my Dad. I cannot think of a better man to name my child after. My Dad has qualities that I admire, like, and respect very much. He is loyal and faithful. He has a lot of integrity and he is a hard worker. I am very proud of my parents and who they are. I am particularly proud of my Dad in that he moved here from Ireland with practically nothing and has made a good life here in Canada for he and our family. He is also the only man in my life who has consistently loved me. Although he is not talking to me I do know he loves me. This distance between us really hurts.

While talking to my Mom I learned that my Dad had just been diagnosed with the beginning stages of Macular Degeneration. In other words my Dad is going to lose his eyesight in one, if not both., eyes. My Dad is a very active man and is always working on something. I think for him to lose his eyesight would be devastating for him. My heart has been with my Dad so much this past weekend, and I have been praying nearly non-stop for him as well. I wish there was a way for me to let him know how much I care and that I am praying for him, and that my friends are praying as well. I wish I could just talk to him.

Under His mercy and grace,

Tuesday, October 25th, 2005
11:38p - ministry and other thoughts

I'm beginning to notice a trend with my employment over the past few years. It seems that whenever I start to work for a company not long afterward it is bought out by another company. And so history is once again repeating itself and my current employer was just bought out. This is the third company in a row this has happened with.What this means for my current job I have no clue. Needless to say rumours are running rampant. I am thinking of starting a rumour that the next person caught spreading a rumour will be fired .....

When I first heard about the buy-out I have to admit my stomach had butterflies and I had to remind myself to breathe. As much as I know this job is not for me in the long run, I do have a baby coming I have to support -- and I am the only financial contributor to our lives right now. Then I took a deep breath and reminded myself that God knows my financial needs and since He's taken care of me so far why would He stop now? This buy-out may actually be the spring board I need to get me to where I am supposed to be.

I've known for a long time that I should be in the ministry somehow and that I would never be truly happy if I wasn't. I also knew that if I settled for anything less I would be selling myself out. Sometimes I have felt that I have disqualified myself for the ministry because I am an unwed mother. Other times I think my experiences may actually make me better equipped for it.

This past Sunday the regular worship leader was away on vacation and I was asked to help sing backup for the worship team. I very reluctantly agreed to do so (basically my pastor's wife would not take no for an answer). It has been a long time since I've sung in front of anyone let alone in a church setting. The voice is a muscle and like any muscle with disuse it can atrophy. That combined with being up front of the church with my swollen belly made me feel very self-conscious, like I had no business being there. It took me several minutes to calm my breathing and a lot of prayer to be able to stand up there. When we started to sing I just closed my eyes and sang and hoped for the best. After a few minutes I started to relax, and a bit later actually found myself enjoying it. I'd been praying God would sing through me. I am sure He has much better voices to flow through but I enjoyed it.

Singing with the worship team and the sermon that was preached last Sunday has just reinforced in me even more my desire to follow God and in a ministerial capacity. Years ago I took a seminar on spiritual giftings, and from that came away from it knowing God has blessed me with many spiritual gifts. The top giftings seemed to be pastor/shepherding, discernment of spirits, word of knowledge, teaching, mercy and hospitality. I want to use these gifts and be what God intends me to be, and not just settle. For too long I have been content to just drift by. I am glad though that I didn't score on the gift of singleness. To be honest if I had that gift I'd want the gift of martyrdom too -- and have it done with quickly.

Martyrdom reminds me of a young man I knew in university. He was a new christian and his enthusiasm knew no bounds. He kept saying he wanted to be a martyr and asked me if I wanted to be one too. Now it's not that I don't want what God would have for me but if I had to be a martyr I'd prefer if it were to happen while I was asleep. This guy would come out with the cheesiest lines such as asking someone "Is this chair saved?" Then whether the person answered yes or no his next question would be "Are you?". I told him if he kept approaching people like that he'd achieve his desire of being martyred pretty quickly.

Actually he had a pretty good sense of humour. I can still remember one of the things he said years ago. All of the group I hung around with at that time were very involved with our campus chapter of Campus Crusade for Christ. Part of Campus Crusade's tools for reaching people for Christ was a little booklet called The Four Spiritual Laws. The first law is that "God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life."

At that time this young man was dating a friend of mine and it was her birthday. In my friend's honour her room-mate had a couple of us over to share dinner with them. Her recipe book was in metric but her stove was not. She was cooking a turkey and in order to know how long to cook the bird she needed to know what the pounds were when converted to kilos. She asked Richard if he would "convert" the bird. He picked it up and lifted it to face level then said to the bird "God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life ....." It was not quite what Patty had in mind when she asked but I thought it was hilarious.

For some reason my past has been coming to mind a lot over this past week or so -- memories of times both good and bad. Maybe this is because for once in my life I am in a transition time and am actually aware that it is such a time. Maybe it is because I need to come to peace with some things from my past so that I can finally move on and be whole as a woman and as a mother. I don't want any undealt with baggage to adversely effect my daughter. Neither would I want these things to adversely effect any ministry I would become involved in.

Too many times I have managed to submarine myself by not waiting on God, or by trying to do things myself, or just by out and out disobedience. I am tired of living that way and I don't want to model that kind of life for my daughter.

Sometimes I find myself wondering what kind of mother I will be and it makes me nervous. Sometimes I find myself having these "Gilmore Girls" type fantasies of what my relationship will be with SweetPea. I am aware that these are fantasies, however, it is nice to dream that we would be that close. I am aware that I want to be more "together" for my daughter than I am at the moment. There is so much for me to learn. On the upside I still have awhile yet before I have to worry about scarring her psyche if I somehow toilet train her wrong. Maybe instead of an educational fund I should set up a "therapy fund" for her. ;)

Under His mercy and grace,

Tuesday, October 25th, 2005

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2:48a

I haven't felt much like writing the past few days. This virus I have is really wiping me out. I've had a fever and chills as well as nausea etc.... However, my ob-gyn says this is not effecting the baby and so I feel relieved to know that.

I am finding it difficult to stay awake right now so I am journaling in the hopes that it will help me pass the time until I can go home. Just under 4 hours still to go.

I laid my head down on my desk just to rest my eyes and I think I fell asleep for a moment or two. I really try to avoid that at work. I have yet to have my "lunch" break and am considering the possibility of taking that time to lay my head down again. With this virus I have pretty much lost my appetite so I don't know that I will want to eat. I know I have to eat though for the sake of the baby. I may not get hungry but she does.

I had my third ob-gyn appointment this past week and everything seems to be coming along nicely. The baby is healthy and doing well. I feel her moving around a lot now. I am glad for that since I have been praying for an active child. On a documentary I had seen about the development of the fetus it was said that the more active a baby is in the womb the better that child's muscle tone at birth.

The ultrasound technician puts my estimated due date at Feb. 16 and my ob-gyn puts the estimated due date at Feb. 23. I have decided to split the difference and state the due date is to be Feb. 19 1/2 and the baby will be born at noon that day. I am 5'7" and the father is 6'2" so I am not expecting a petite little thing but apparently bigger babies tend to be born later, first children in particular. I am hoping SweetPea will break that trend.

I am praying for a normal healthy baby but truth be told I've been praying that she wouldn't be that big. I'd be quite content with 7 lbs or so. I have to admit to a lot of trepidation when I think about labour and the thought of an episiotomy makes me cringe! I am hoping for natural childbirth but am keeping the option of an epidural open as well.

I had a meeting today with the director of the call centre where I work and he was asking about the due date. He mentioned something about running a pool guessing when the baby is due. I am totally fine with that as long as SweetPea gets half the pool.

Speaking of pools I think I find myself "craving" swimming. I knew it was possible to crave certain foods when pregnant (I still crave fresh pineapple) but I didn't know it could also become a craving for certain activities. I want so much to feel the coolness of the water as it slips over my shoulders as I swim laps.

This past Friday I went to a city wide prayer meeting and as part of the welcome the man doing the announcements said something about welcoming every soul here. When he said that I realized in some ways that I am a "two-fer" in the soul department right now. Two people, two souls, within one body at the moment. Then the magnitude of that began to sink in as I realized that not only do I have a separate individual developing within me right now but there is also her immortal soul housed within me as well until she is born. The more I thought about it the more humbled I felt. I still don't really have the words to express the thoughts and feelings that went through me as I considered this.

I am too tired to write anything more -- at least not if I want to retain at least a semblance of coherence.

There is a lot of truth in the saying that those who eavesdrop seldom hear good of themselves. I learned that the hard way this evening. Out of curiousity I read back entries of an ex-bf's journal and I was stung by what I read. It is a real eye-opener to see how easily one can be misunderstood and misrepresented. I was quite stung to read what Anthony had to say about me to Bill. Anthony totally lied about me and to me. Bill's perception of the situation at that time and my life was also totally skewed.

In one of our previous conversations Anthony had admitted to being a liar and lying when he had no real reason to do so. I just never thought he would lie about and to me. Was I wrong! I was stung to hear how I was perceived and misunderstood. Sometimes I wonder if it was a deliberate misunderstanding or if I really was seen that way. It hurt that both of these people whom I thought I had shared a lot of myself could totally misread me on some issues.

This has caused me to really start thinking about one's awareness of one's self and how others perceive that awareness. I think I am being open and honest. I think I am showing my 'true colours', but what if others muddy those colours? What if those colours one thinks are so precious aren't even seen or worse seen but by someone colour blind to the colours used? Worse still are colours seen but treated as worthless. In university in one of my psychology classes I heard a saying that comes to my mind now about "I am not who I think I am. I am not who you think I am. I am who I think you think I am". It comes down to perception.

I once had this job I hated and in our training we talked about perception being reality. This again leads me back to my university days and a philosophy course I took on "Critical Thinking and Reasoning" about the nature of truth and the various philosophies of what truth really is. I guess many like Pilot find themselves asking "What is truth?" Others don't really care and figure that what they see or what they perceive is the truth. Some find themselves pressing through really digging for the truth regardless of what it may reveal about one's self or others. I do not know where those two men are in that spectrum since as skewed as their vision of me is mine could be just as skewed of who they are. However, I know for myself I want the truth enough to really look for it. I am not content to live a life of self-delusion or one of easy answers for the sake of personal comfort. Where I am wrong I want to know and to have the strength of character to admit that wrong and change. Where I am right I will stand strong and not allow myself to be influenced into what I know is wrong just because it is 'easier' than standing up for the truth. When I have questions I will ask. "The unexamined life is not worth living".

Although reading what I did has hurt me, I deserved that hurt in that I should have left some things well enough alone. However, in some ways I am glad that I read it in that it is spurring me on towards a better knowledge of self -- but self as seen through the eyes of God.

God is not one to sugar coat things. While I was away from Him and living a life I knew was not right His words kept coming back to me "Do not harden your heart while it is still today". I was not being true to myself. I was not being true to what I professed to believe and worse I was not being true to God; and yet my perception was wrong. I thought I had all the time in the world. Each day I chose to harden my heart I began to see the truth less and less and began to believe the deceptions were the truth. My perception was that what I was doing was not really wrong in the grand scheme of things. So I was living with a man who is not my husband, so I was allowing pagan beliefs to start to define my outlook on life .... it wasn't that bad. Or so I told myself, once again showing how perception can be skewed.

I missed God and I came back to Him because I was miserable. Life on the "outside" was cold and unkind and I missed the gentleness and kindness of God. However, it wasn't until I became pregnant that the delusions I had placed around myself came down and I started to see, really see how deceived I was and the lies I had allowed to build up around myself to justify the choices I had made. In 1 Corinthians Paul writes about us seeing through a mirror darkly. In some ways I think that is because as people we cannot see clearly. Despite ourselves our perceptions are faulty and our vision is poor. Although my perception while I am here is still going to be skewed in some ways I know that through Jesus (the way, the truth and the life) my perception will not be as messed up as it would be without him. I am not afraid now to look at things the way He does. I am more afraid to deceive myself and the consequences of that. I thank God that in 1 Peter God promises that one day we will know as we are known..

I've written about the kind of legacy I want to give my daughter. As part of that legacy I want her to be a truth-seeker and a truth speaker. The only way to give that legacy is to live it myself.

Under His mercy and grace, a sadder but wiser,

Friday, October 21st, 2005

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2:34a

I have come to the conclusion that should I have to take the train again at the time a sports event or a concert lets out that I will arrange to either come in early or late for work.

Tonight it was a Flames home game, and once again the fumes from the alcohol were something else. Had someone lit a match I think the whole train would have gone up in flames (no pun intended). Feeling nauseated and then being subjected to drunk fans (at least the Flames won, it would have been worse had they lost -- I'd rather be around happy jubilant drunks than disappointed bad tempered ones) is not the way to start one's evening. Although a fight almost broke out between a disappointed Oilers fan and an obnoxious Flames fan, and the police were doing a drug bust so the train had to slow down, and one fan was almost sick to her stomach it was pretty much an uneventful ride. Mmmmm I do so love taking public transit! (reminding myself again I am saving money and I am helping the environment, I am saving money and helping the environment, I am saving money and I am helping the environment ....)

I had the dreaded weigh-in at my ob-gyn appt this morning and at least my weight gain is still within normal parameters. I am really trying to keep things healthy and in moderation. It is becoming a bit more difficult though in that walking is starting to be more of an effort. I try to get out and walk at least half an hour a day but I am finding that in order to not to cramp up I have to slow my pace down so that what I am doing now is not so much a 'walk' as it is an 'amble'. At that pace I think I will have to up my walk from half an hour to an hour. Were the weather good that would be alright but it snowed today, big fat wet flakes -- blah. There isn't much I can do to change my eating patterns since I can't really cut back as that would be unhealthy for the baby so I am going to have to find a way to increase my physical activity.

The YMCA near me has a pool so I may look into a membership there and see about maybe taking swimming lessons or an aqua-fit class. There is also a dance studio near me and I called to see about lessons. I asked what kind of dance would be good for a pregnant white woman with no sense of rhythm. She answered "flamenco". I liked her humour and thought about taking classes there but when I found out the cost I had to change my mind. I was hoping to get a half price deal if I only learned to dance with my left side but she told me that was impossible, I countered with "well, what if I took lessons and I wasn't any good, would I get half price then? " Once again for some reason she was unwilling to bargain. I thought that my suggestions were quite reasonable ; )

I've been thinking about ways I can make money on the side to help myself out financially. As my tummy gets bigger I could paint it with red and white stripes and hire myself out as a bouy. I could just float on my back in the middle of the pool demarking the shallow end from the deep end. Maybe I could pay for my swim lessons that way?

I may write more later but as I am at work and things are starting to get a wee bit busy I should do what I'm being paid to be here for ..... "Aloha and thank you for calling ___________, ...."

Under His mercy and grace,